ClickHole Headlines — Jewel Galbraith

Below are a few of the headlines I have written for ClickHole over the years:

Intelligence Setback: The CIA Is In Crisis Mode After ISIS Made Its Instagram Private
Hell Yes: Claire’s Is Debuting A Bejeweled Trunk That Preteen Girls Can Hide In For The Entirety Of Middle School
Guess They’re Not Doing Pride Month: McDonald’s Just Released An Ad Making It Clear That Ronald McDonald Is Aggressively Heterosexual And Only Sleeps With Hot 23-Year-Old Women Who Work In Marketing
Better Late Than Never: Buzz Aldrin Has Announced That He Forgot To Tell Anyone He Saw A Fox On The Moon
Did Sesame Street Go Too Far With The Episode Where Elmo Stayed Friends With Grover After Allegations That Grover Was In A Manipulative Age-Gap Relationship To Teach Kids That Cancel Culture Has Its Gray Areas?
Feminism Disaster: This Gorilla At The Zoo Clearly Has Like, Six Wives
Fighting Harassment: Twitter Will Now Only Allow Users To Tweet, ‘Die, Bitch’ To Bitches Who Should Die
Yikes: This Documentary About A Feral Child Is 20 Minutes From The End And Things Do Not Seem To Be On The Upswing For The Feral Child
Mind-Blowing: This Incredible Fan Theory Suggests That Mr. Bean Is A Weird And Goofy Dude
When This Middle School Introduced Meditation Into The School Day, Many Of Its Students Saw Incredible Benefits And Three Went Insane
Inclusivity Win! The Word Problem At The End Of This Math Worksheet Has A Guy Named Alejandro In It
Inspiring Determination: This Man Was Stranded At Sea For 151 Days And Survived Almost The Entire Time
Obvious Nepotism: This 5-Year-Old Boy Was Just Appointed Grocery Shopping Helper By His Own Parents
Disturbing Teen Trend: Adolescents Across The Country Are Getting Together WEEKLY to Worship A Dead Man Named Jesus Christ
Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far With The Episode Where The Count Calls Elmo A “White Trash Bitch” To Teach Kids About Classism?
Diversity Fail: Admission Statistics Show That More Than 90% Of Harvard’s Incoming Freshman Class Is Made Up Of Nerds
Dizzying Paradox: This Man Is Not Hungry, But Could Eat
Gun Control Fail: This Duck Found A Gun In A Bush And Is Now Pushing It Around The Park With Its Beak
Catastrophic Misstep: The Reptile Guy At This School Assembly Just Handed A Huge Snake To The Most Straight-Up Insane Kid In Fifth Grade
Not Their Best Work: Boston Dynamics Has Engineered A Microwave That Can Get Tired
The Saga Continues: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Harry Potter Currently Suffers From Erectile Dysfunction Which He Treats Using A Proprietary Blend Of Medicinal Herbs Available For $49.99 On Rowling’s Personal Website
The Amazing Science Of Blankets: Researchers At MIT Have Determined That The Blanket Makes You Warm Because It Goes On Top Of You
Her Magnum Opus: Mom Just Put A 27-Photo Album On Facebook Of Just Last Night’s Dinner

*Please note that I may not have written the article associated with a given headline; at ClickHole we sometimes write articles for other writers’ jokes.